I have been trying to think of what to write about lately. I am afraid that all my blog readers will desert me for not offering more consistent entries. I already bemoaned how busy I have been lately, so I won't repeat any of that. I am trying to arrange more interviews, but am finding it difficult to schedule.
I haven't had any difficult miscarriage days lately, probably because work has consumed me so much. Sarah had a bit of a difficult evening yesterday, though I was at work so I wasn't around to experience this with her. We are actively trying to get pregnant again. I guess that's some news worthy of a blog entry, isn't it? How do I feel about the prospect of Sarah getting pregnant again? Well, most simply: excited and terrified; a kind of joyous nervousness. I have said before that if I could only be told that one of these pregnancies would go full term to a healthy birth, I could withstand the emotional and spiritual impact of more miscarriages. That is to say that the most difficult part of pregnancy for me now is not knowing whether we will ever not have a miscarriage. What if I just think more positively, can we have a baby then? Many people tell us that they have no doubts that we will have children of our own one day. Part of me is calmed by this optimism and another part of me runs and hides because if they are wrong, then somehow it's like I also take on the burden of their not-knowing. It is immensely painful to witness my own failing faith, let alone being privy to the potential for any one else's diminished faith that Sarah and will eventually have children.
A couple days ago, I was imagining Sarah and I playing board games with our children in our living room. We had designed a cooperative board game about vegetable gardening.
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2 comments:
You still have hope and that's a lot.
yup, our way of thinking and all of those other wonderings about what we're doing that's keeping us from having a baby. i'd thought with the second, after losing the first one, that i was solidly prepared to let go of everything that gets changed when a baby comes - because i knew how painful it was to keep them but lose the child. but those little thoughts still come into my head: 'maybe we don't have a baby yet because there's something i'm still not ready to let go of...what is it...?'
but that's ridiculous; who on earth is fully ready, in every way, for a baby? as if every woman who's carried a baby to term had all of that taken care of, and i'm just this lame-ass half-mother who can't follow through with it because of some fundamental failing of my nature. sometimes i don't know if the judgement is mine or others'.
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