sorry it's been so long everyone

Its been almost a week since my last entry. Just one more of these 50+ hour workweeks to go, then hopefully I'll have more time to spend on this blog. I had my second interview (not including the pilot) this past Monday morning. My most immediate impression of this interview was that the emotion that the participant brought to the interview was surprising (why it was I don't know) and courageous. I had forgotten to bring tissues and a resource list to this interview. I tried to be more aware of myself when I was asking questions this time. As I have transcribed the audio recordings, I am noticing how much trouble I have making my questions come out clearly and concisely.

As with last the last interview, a lot of this participant's story resonated with my own. The participant began crying within 5 minutes of the beginning of the interview and cried off and on. It was difficult, once again, to maintain that "boundary" rather than simply telling him that I had also experienced what he was describing or that I had also cried for hours upon thinking about the same thoughts he was sharing with me. There were a number of times that I sensed my facial expression stating what my mouth was not being aloud to voice. At times, especially when the participant was crying, I didn't know how to respond. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to thank him for crying, I wanted to stop the interview because I was afraid it was too painful. I never wanted him to stop crying, not once, but I was consistently afraid that he was worried that I was judging him. Fortunatly for him, whether this was true or not, it didn't stop him from letting out his tears. I wanted to cry myself, but my tears were not manifesting outwardly this time. My experience has been that there are times when my tears are all there only they just don't come streaming down my cheeks.

There were two things I noticed from this interview that I will mention here. The first I didn't realize until today when I began transcribing and heard the participant responding to my opening question about his experience of miscarriage with his recounting of what his wife went through. Hearing this made me realize how entwined the stories of fathers who have experienced miscarriage are with their wives. I suppose on one level, there is a couple that is experiencing this life event, but it still seems oddly not the father's experience when they tell me "their" story. At least initially, that is. I guess I need to wait and see if this is really a trend or not.

The second thing came to me as a message when the participant was talking about knowing when the child became a child inside the womb. What came to me was that, regardless of what medical science or religions say, the child's life begins no later than when the parents' hopes begin to form within them.

Sarah and I are planning on getting our tattoos in a couple weeks. I'll post some pictures after we get them. The lady who is doing them is very interested in the meaning and ritual of tattoo art. According to Sarah, who spoke with her, this woman is very excited about our tattoos and why we are getting them.

I wish I felt like writing more, but I don't. Sarah and I are having a bit of a rough night tonight. Not so much with each other, rather more in the way that the miscarriages tend to creep up on us and bring us down.