not knowing

Had an edifying conversation with Muriel this afternoon. She is so solidly supportive of me. I told her about my meeting on Monday and the plan to do two pilot interviews next week. In response to me telling her that I felt unsure and unprepared for my meeting on Monday, she reminded me that not knowing is part of this research process. Very wise. We agreed that a demographic questionnaire would be useful, so I am going to draft one before my first pilot interview on Monday. I also have to get together a cover letter, letter of consent, and page of resources to distribute to the research participants. Clearly I have my work cut out for me this weekend.

I received wonder-full responses today regarding this blog. I feel a kind of relief to have this space to record what is going on for me. I get to let others know what's going on with me without necessarily having to talk with them. I saw my sister tonight, felt her belly. She is huge. Sarah wasn't sure that she would want to come up to my parents' house tonight because we have both been having some rough days lately. The miscarriage blues crop up without notice and sometimes last an afternoon or evening. Other times, they last days, waxing and waning in intensity. She did come up though for a bit. It has been a while since we both hung out for any length of time with my family. Sometimes it is too much with her being so obviously pregnant. I try to be in her company but end up oscillating between hating myself for being angry that she gets to have a child and sheer sadness that we are not as close as we once were. Its a shitty predicament that I have opted to avoid for the most part these past five or six months.

But tonight I felt ok. I felt my sister's belly and she and her husband explained to me what part of the baby's body I was feeling. I miss feeling connected to her. I have to believe my raw, paradoxical emotions about her pregnancy will ease at some point so that we can reconnect.