In AA there is a saying: "Fake it 'til you make it." I have been trying this approach with my sister Jessica's pregnancy since January this year. I got a call tonight at work from my mum saying that Jessica's water broke and they were going into the hospital. Haven't been feeling really tip-top this evening and that pretty much threw me over the edge. I tried to believe that it wasn't going to upset me. I tried to pretend that I would feel really happy and excited. A part of me certainly wants to feel happy and excited for her, but that part of me is currently getting its ass kicked by many other parts of me that are in pain and not pleasant to be among. I need to attend something like a My-younger-sister's-first-
pregnancy-went-full-term-and-now-she-will-have-the-family's-first-
grandchild-and-all-I-have-to-talk-about-are-two-miscarriages Anonymous because I have got some painful issues and my water won't break. I want to be able to write about the parts of me whose ugliness I am witnessing right now, but if my sister ever read this...I mean, it's not fair to her that I feel this way and yet it doesn't feel all that fair that I feel this way. Maybe fairness has nothing to do with it. I fucking hate the way I feel. It seems so self-indulgent, so incredibly selfish. Sometimes I am just too mixed up inside to even manifest anything physical. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to laugh, and somewhere, way down in there, I believe I must want to smile. Right? It's got to be there somewhere, huh? This is my little sister. The same little sister who chose me as her Man of Honor at her wedding last Fall. The same little sister whom I felt so close to, so connected, up until she announced (like a bomb) that she was pregnant at the end of last summer. Shouldn't my fraternal love be greater than all that?
When does it all stop hurting? When can that part of me that wants to feel happy and excited for Jess be bigger than those other parts of me that are in control now? Was the whole purpose of our miscarriages to get me to do this research? And because I am doing just that now, does that mean we won't have to suffer any more miscarriages of our own? Fucking hell.
My wife just called from the hospital to encourage me to come and wait. The thing is, I want to do that, well, some part of me does. Definitely not all of me. That phone call succeeded in giving me one more reason to feel upset with myself, like one more punch in the stomach.
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Wow, it's coming to a head and has no place to go but out. Let it flow. This seems like a great outlet for it. I believe that part of you that wants to be happy for Jessica is there because that's who you are. I also honor all those other parts that are pissed off and frustrated and still grieving, too. Remember, you are loved and dad and I are very proud of you, too. Perhaps a support group would be a good thing, but we're not hanging on to the disappointment you have about not having the "first grandchild".
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